heart story

Let the Stories Come-by Gina

Thank you all of you for your words and comments on this blog.  They comfort me, make me laugh and I really value them.

If so inspired I would love to hear any story you might have about Blair.  Please write them here so we can all enjoy them.

Thanks Steve for the fence jumping reminder.  I believe that was the night Blair arrived home "drunk as a skunk"!  It made me laugh again! I am glad you are all keeping him alive.

Our Children "Feel him"-by Gina

A meal was held last night in Blair's honor.  A traditional Dia de los Muerto's Mexican stew, tamales etc.  A small group of family gathered to remember Blair, prepare a place for his soul to return to last night-even if only for a brief time.

Some shared stories of Blair, or explained their contributions to his altar.  The theme was always his immense kindness (especially the kids had so many stories of his comforting nature-the way he would help them).

The offerings on his altar are such an incredible culmination of who Blair was.  I was in awe of the way people chose what they brought and why.  I smiled and cried because each story revealed the relationship or connection that Blair had with that person and that person alone-the way he touched them.  Somehow this idea seemed new to me.  I guess I assumed that Blair was Blair and that is it, but suddenly I knew that each of us are so many Blair's or Gina's or etc etc and how we touch each other is so individual and personal. Each person has their own loss in Blair's death and for me seeing all this in one room, in this one ceremony has altered my understanding of Blair's death and the idea of loss forever.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the days that the actual two strokes happened.  I am grateful for the fact that I happened to be with him when both happened, but the images of these events are very hard. Remembering the look in his eyes haunts me. Caring for him in the hospital and the intense need to comfort him, fix him, heal him will never leave me.  Even in his death I still have the need to fix it, to repair the tragic events, the things that attacked him, but these things do not exist.  They are not tangible.  Sure I can get caught up in who is to blame, I can fixate on things that people did or said during his illness that hurt me or offended me or angered me-but I do not get any satisfaction in this.

I am struggling to accept that there is no rhyme or reason here, it is just TRAGIC.  REALLY TRAGIC. And it is over. There is nothing left to fix-all I am left with is that I must accept. I must commit to live a life he would have wanted for us-live the life he is no longer able to.  Keep his memory.  Never forget.  But honestly right now that is not enough.  I am struggling. I really do not have any blind faith to guide me through this. I live in the world-my faith has always been based in people-in those in our life-in love and the connectedness of us as human beings. But where this type of faith falls short is that it is body bound (alive)- so when death occurs it is hard to feel, hard to hold on to.  So I am looking around-searching-hoping that I will be able to transform my type of faith in to something that will allow me to "feel" Blair again. I don't mean just remembering him-I do that every minute. I mean I need to feel him guiding me, supporting me, deep in my heart and soul in a way that is strong and uplifting.  Right now the sorrow is too big, the fear too strong.  I must trust that at some time this will ease and I will have my Blair again.

Last night was a step in that direction. I am thankful he lives on for so many people and I am thankful that my children (all our children) will continue to tell stories about him.  To watch their faces light up as they speak is heavenly. They speak and they are calm. They smile and laugh and I can see that they "feel" him.

Halloween (Souls return)-by Gina

Halloween has arrived and with it all the events.  For Cole his annual Halloween parade at school was on Friday.  It is such a wonderful event.  Calm, easy, no stress-lot's of fun, crazy inventive costumes and all his crazy wonderful teachers dressed up and smiling-They really are a magnificent group.

I missed Blair terribly at this event-not just because I knew Cole would have loved to have him there, but also because I really do suck at technology.  I had gathered up Blair's Flick and camera and headed out to capture these memories.  What I ended up with was pictures that were washed out by bright sunlight and videos that you could not hear or see anything.  Well I guess this will be a year of adjustment-on so many levels.

Annabel attended her first middle school dance.  YES! A mother's greatest fear.  I had been informed by many parents that from having attended past dances it was going to be well chaperoned and quite innocent.  I had rearranged our tix to the Cirque du Soleil show to allow Annabel to go and for this she was very grateful.  It seems however that the hype was much more than the actual event.  I received a text from her about 30 minutes in stating that it was "too loud and not that fun, but that it was fun to be with her friends WITHOUT parents and only three adults chaperoning".  I giggled remembering my own junior high dances.  I was so happy for her to be with her close friends and experiencing all of this with such joy and a sense of independence. I wished Blair was here to giggle with, although I think he may have been more tense than me.  He was always quick to tell me that he feared Annabel growing up and the whole "Boy thing" because he had once been a young boy and he remembered very clearly how a young boys mind thinks.  He assured me that I should be very afraid!  Hopefully he was watching over her and making sure she was okay.

Tonight we will engage in our Halloween ritual of dinner and trick-or-treating at the Varner-Renshaw home.  Always lot's of fun.  I hope it will not be too sad without Blair.  Candy can do wonders to ward off sadness, so we will see. 

One final ritual our family has had for the last 6 years is the "Dia de los Muertos".  Cole's school has an annual Festival de Otono and with it a room full of altars for those who have passed.  Each class creates and builds their own altar and they are displayed at the event.  It is such a beautiful and moving tribute and one that has become very dear to our family.  The event this year is on Nov 7th at Edison Language Academy.  We have also created an altar for Blair at our home.  This year it is said that the souls of our loved ones (adults) will return to us on the evening of Nov 2nd.  The altar contains foods and things Blair enjoys so he can come and partake in these things. We are hopeful that we will feel his spirit and be with him even for a little bit. 

Much love to all of you out there.  Enjoy your festivities whatever they may be.  

The Walk with Dad-by Cole Alan Blair Renshaw

Me and my dad went for a walk in Stellshagen Germany down the road. We kept going and we also went with Livio (my cousin).  We kept going and going and going and going then finally we got to a playground.  We started playing but then me and Livio or Livio and I, saw a castle. So we kept on going down the road and we got to a gate and it was burnt open and they made a bridge out of it. So we walked over it and the castle was about one mile away and me my dad and Livio kept running and running and running and running and running and stop.  We were at the castle and we went in and it was deserted and burnt and all you saw was ripped up books, ripped up thrones, statues and bones.  So then we left and we kept on going and we reached a forest and Livio was about to step in when a man with a shovel that was in front of us said "if you want to die, go in.  If you want to live, go back, or enjoy the meadow."  Cause where ever we walked there was a meadow.  So then we went back home to our apartment there, and right when we stepped in the house, Livio's mom Bettina was making her pasta and Annabel was helping her. Gita was sleeping on the couch and then Peter the cat snuggled my feet. Then Maxi the evil dog came in and was trying to bite us.  Then he left running after a car. We didn't know Peter the cats name yet so my sister went outside and she was about a third grader and she asked the farmer assistant who was about a middle schooler and he said in this exact voice "his name is Peet-a.".  The End. And just to let you know, her pasta was really good!

Special Days- by Annabel Tru Renshaw

What I miss most about my dad is when we would go to coffee shops together.  While I heelied and he walked we would talk.  We would get to the coffee shop and he would walk up to the counter and order for us-and I could get whatever I wanted.

Then we would go outside and write in our journals.  I would only write one paragraph but he tended to take up five pages, then he would proceed to work on his kindle while I was heeling around him being obnoxious.

We would then go to the CO-OP and he would buy wheat grass and I got a smoothie and a popscicle. Sometimes if Grandma had come up from San Diego then she would get wheat grass as well.  Those  were my special days without Mom being embarassing and Cole being obnoxious.  He was an amazing father, a wonderful husband, and an amazing family member.  I miss him very much but I also have many fun times without him. 

Gone- by Gina

He is Gone.

That is about all I can focus on lately.

I get up, I get the kids to school, I clean the house, I think about the future and that is when it hits-he is gone.  I think I am still in a bit of denial or else i wouldn't keep getting steamrolled by these waves of sadness and absolute disbelief-he is gone!

I get emails from family in Europe asking that I come over-they will even help to pay for the family to get there.  I have offers to travel to Hawaii to be taken care of over Xmas break and all I can do is cry and mourn the fact that all our family trips will now be without him. How can I go visit Rome-the place where we went when I was pregnant with Annabel-the place we wanted to go as a family together and show the kids where we dreamed of Annabel's name.

I know it is important to move forward, I know I must embrace that we are alive and forge a new life-but i am not ready for this.  I eek out the day, try to find satisfaction in tasks that I accomplish, but it is not enough.  i want him here to love me, take care of me.  I need his male energy in the house-to help me understand my son.  i need him here to comfort Annabel when she is irritated and upset with me.  I need him to be at work so I can think about how to create a wonderful dinner for him and set the home scene for him to appreciate when he gets home.  So much of what I did before included my thoughts of how to please him.

So many of my dreams were of his accomplishments.  Now I must focus on me and that is kind of scary.

I was asked by a friend to go with her to have a cup of tea together.  I can't do it.  I can't sit and chit chat.  I am sad, deeply sad and the only thing comnforting right now is to be at home alone.  When I am out I know I look okay, I am out of my body, acting as I did before, but I am not really there.  My life is upside down and I am devastated and no words will explain.

I sprained my ankle last night (I will check tomorrow that it is not a break). Ironically I had stopped playing soccer to avoid injuries as a single mother.  Last night as I picked Annabel up from soccer I inadvertantly turned my ankle walking to the car.  Go figure. I struggled to the car-trying not to embarass my junior high daughter anymore than I had already-in deep pain- mind you i have given birth twice naturally without drugs and I do not recall either birth hurting as much as this.  In any case I stumble to the car-make it home and realize Blair is not there to comnfort me, caress me, take care of me.  Instead my loving children pitch in.  Annabel makes dinner for her and Cole (thank you to the Brunskills for there gift of a microwave), Cole gets me an ice pack and we settle in for the night.

i am both in awe of my kids and thankful, but really it is not their job to take care of me. I am sad that at such a young age maturity must set in for them.

In short I miss Blair, and I fear that this longing, this missing will only get worse!

The Death of the Parents-A dream by Cole Alan Blair Renshaw

I had a dream about my mom and da-da last night.  

I was at Abigail's house and Daddy was there and my mom was too. We went outside on to the street and Mac and Riley and those guys were there. We all thought we were going to get wings so we could fly and my Dad was dead by now.  My Mom was out there with us and she vanished.  

Then about three days later I could see both my parents.  And my mom brang Abigail to the spirit world, but I didn't want to go so she didn't take me.

But I love her so much that when she was going down the stairs I was about ten feet away from her.  I wasn't doing anything, I was just standing and I started moving.  Wherever she went I was about ten feet next to her, but I didn't mean to do anything. My mom was going down these stairs to the spirit world.  I wasn't doing anything-I was floating about ten feet away from her, next to her, on the right side.

When she went down the stairs I went through the walls. I love my parents so much, I just kept going with her. We kept moving through things because of all the spirits.

A Poem-by Cole Alan Blair Renshaw

I love my Dad

He loves me.

He was with us

For a century.

I love my Dad

Because he was a good man,

And because he was my Dad.

I like the poem,

Because it's mine,

I will keep it

In my mind.

A Wonderful Story about my Dad-by Cole Renshaw

One day when my Dad came home from work, he came and watched T.V. in the back room because my Mom wouldn't let us watch TV in her room. And we started watching and I just felt like I wanted to go in to his arms, so I climbed up into his arms and a minute later I'm asleep and he got me a blanket and wrapped it around me.  And before I went to sleep and we were watching TV, I said "can you sleep in the same room as me" and he said "yes".  So then he got a blanket and he put it around me and him, so I had double blankets and it was freezing outside, just to let you know.  And he turned the TV on to the News Hour with Jon Stewart. And about a half an hour later, he fell asleep and I didn't know but I loved him so much I snuggled further further further on top of him, and I put my head on his shoulder, and two minutes later we both were in the same room asleep.THE END.

Another day and Another day

Today a group of us gathered at "Blair's spot" (the area of Santa Monica Beach where we spread Blair's ashes) and we had a couple hours of early morning swim/boogie board/surf.

It was great to be together and enjoy the cold but beautiful morning surf.   Blair would have loved this outing. It was our good friend Ben who remembered we had made a commitment to do this each month and I thank him so much for that. For the few of us who arrived I believe it was a truly great experience, although far too short.  I really wish we could have stayed together and hung a little longer.

Later we spent a day of soccer at JAMS.  Although a day of soccer for many may be considered laborious, for me I find it hard to draw myself away.  Somehow seeing all these young women, playing their hearts out, running, laughing, competing is thrilling to me and so freeing.

I miss Blair at all these events.  It brings back all the memories we have spent along the side of a soccer field watching our daughter with such pride, but these memories are both painful and they make me smile at the same time. Any chance I have to feel Blair or remember Blair is so precious to me now.

Also it is such a community this AYSO dysfunctional family.  With all its quirks and tensions somehow I feel so at home here.  I feel embraced and loved and truly supported by so many.

There is no doubt I am alone now.  Not without those that love me, don't get me wrong, but alone: without Blair, and that is huge.  He was the one I came home to, complained to, bragged to and now he is not here. It is quite hard and I am almost incapable of explaining this to anyone.

If one more person asks me "how are you", a simple common question, I may just run and hide for good. I am devastated, swimming under water, unsure of who I am or where I am going, and yet I am also alive and okay, so go figure.  Unexplainable I tell you, indescribable.

I am blown away by the amount of love and support that everyone has extended to our family.  With all this devastation there is also so much gratitude for the love and care shown us.  It is hard at times for my heart to hold both at once.  Both the intense sadness and the gratitude could break my heart on their own but together it can at times feel hard to bear.

I will say that as a family I believe we are doing well.  We are able to move forward in life.  We talk about Blair every day.  Sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh, but every day we miss him and honor him.

I am blown away by my kids.  They are handling their grief each in their own way, and I honor and respect that.  Children do not always express grief as we expect but they do have grief and I have learned recently that it is my job to make sure that they are allowed to express their grief as they see fit, not as others expect them to express it.  Thank you MaryAsha for those words of wisdom.

Blair and I used to squabble a lot. Anyone who was around us can attest to this.  At first I felt such sadness regarding this.  I wished I had held him and respected him and was kind to him every minute.  But I have come to understand that that is not humanely possible.  We are human, we squabble, we bicker, we are mean to each other and we also love, and laugh and support each other.  It is the combination, the commitment to each other that constitutes the bond.  Blair and I had a "real" relationship.  one with tension and sorrow and pain as well as happiness and I cherish all those memories and feel lucky we continued in our relationship together.

Enough babble for the night.  It was a long day with many thoughts of Blair and I am so happy for that.  he was a dynamic, messed up creature and I miss him terribly.

 

Everyone Loves Blair-by Cole Renshaw

my dad loved everyone and everyone loved him.  I loved him and now I miss him and he was a great dad. And it was cool to have a dad like him and it was cool to be at RPA and play games there. And to have an assistant boss as a dad.

Celebrations- written by Gina

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since Blair died.  

I thought that I would not want to blog again, however the last few days I have had an aching feeling that somehow it could not end with his death.  Just as his life could not end with his death.

Three celebrations have occurred since his death, remembering him, honoring him, and at each event it felt right.  The remembering of him felt right.  It was painful, it was gut wrenching at times, but it felt wonderful to come together and remember him. Somehow in those moments he wasn't so far away.  Stories were shared that made me laugh and cry remembering all that was Blair (the good and the flaws). Blair as I remember him, a big large jumble of incredible, funny, stressed out, grumpy and full of love for those around him. 

My challenge now is how to keep him here with us (Annabel, Cole and I).  The remembering of him can be so painful that it can't occur all day long, so small moments of life without him, life continuing occurs.  In these moments a bit of panic comes over me because suddenly I am in this new "normal", this life without Blair and we are okay (well sort of) and that is as devastating as the pain of missing him.  I think these "happy" moments are very important for the kids, but for me they are wracked with discomfort, pain and maybe even a moment of guilt that he is not here to partake in it.

I am writing this blog today to make a commitment to myself and my family.  The commitment to make sure to bring Blair along with us.  To get to the place where we can take all that we shared with this incredible man and have it support us in our new life. To remember him with love and gratitude and with smiles and laughter. 

Because for me at least I know no other life than life "with Blair" and I realized today that I need never know "life without Blair" because it does not exist.  He will always be with me as long as I remember to bring him with me.

So I am so thankful for all the celebrations.  The first was a small family gathering, the second a bringing together of many of Blair's worlds and finally yesterday an AYSO tournament held in his honor and named the "BLAIR RENSHAW MEMORIAL 5 X 5 TOURNAMENT" with hundreds of people many of which did not know Blair but were present in his honor.  He would have loved to be there taking thousands of pictures.

So here is my commitment to Blair: I PROMISE TO CELEBRATE YOU!

Finally I cannot end this without a huge thank you to all of you who are in our lives, caring for us and supporting us.  The food, the gifts, the donations, the KIND WORDS, the WARM HUGS-all of these do not go under the radar.  I hope to get to the point where I will be able to thank each one of you personally- even if it takes me my lifetime. From my family to yours-WE LOVE YOU and THANK YOU.

Gina, Annabel and Cole

two weeks

(written by Jeannine)

Today marks two weeks of life without Blair.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that has been counting the days, hours, sometimes minutes, just trying to make it through the sadness and grief.  There seems to be no way around the pain.  But it’s easy to get lost in it.  Coming together with friends and family, remembering Blair together, cherishing the moments of laughter, savoring having known him, we seem to be navigating some kind of path.  We’ll see.  Often I feel him with me, comforting, laughing, urging me along. 

It’s been amazing reading everyone’s comments here, seeing how many people Blair touched, how much laughter he generated while he was alive.  I hope we can all continue to spread that laughter, the goodness that was Blair, in everything we do.

And again, thank you so much to all of you for your kind words, delicious food, warm hugs and help in more ways than I can list.  

Many of you continue to ask what you can do for Blair’s family and, specifically, about the trust Gina mentioned.  It’s a trust we set up for his children, Annabel and Cole.  Anyone interested in contributing can make checks out to: The Renshaw Family Trust.   The address is PO Box 971, Santa Monica, Ca.  90406.   We are setting up a memorial fund in his name at a charitable organization as well.   As soon as that is completed we’ll post it here.

 

We look forward to seeing many of you when we come together to celebrate Blair.

All of You

I was thinking about Blair today, as I do everyday, and before I knew it I was crying and feeling quite angry that he was gone.  Not only do I miss him terribly but I know that no matter how hard I try, my life will never be as full, as creative or as happy without him.

Blair has been a part of my life since I was 19 years old and I am now 46.  He was my best friend, my husband, my confidant and the father of our children.  In short, he was everything to me.  I thought I knew everything about him, every inch of him.  But since his first stroke an amazing thing has happened; I discovered that there was so much more to Blair than even I imagined.

Through this blog I have seen so much more of Blair.  Through his colleagues at RPA I have seen so much more of Blair-in fact i joked that his work was like discovering an unknown mistress.  The people at RPA love him and the relationships he forged there were meaningful and incredible.  I have seen blog entries from elementary school friends, high school buddies, college friends-so many different parts of Blair's life.  And all have one unifying theme-the goodness of Blair, the kindness, the selfless way he made us all feel so good about who we are.

I will miss him terribly for the rest of my life, but he left our family with an invaluable gift-ALL OF YOU.  The circle of friends that Blair created throughout his life has been a real source of strength for our family during these vey difficult days.  We have received warm delicious meals, incredible words of love for Blair on AYSO websites, hugs, kind words, grocery shopping, kid watching, thoughtful words, trust funds set up for our family and the kids, help with the planning and arranging of memorial services, happy hours held in Blair's honor....the list is endless.  Please know that we are eternally grateful to all of you!  THANK YOU!

We are working on a memorial service for Blair to happen soon.  Please email us at CelebrateBlair@gmail.com  if you are interested in attending.  Email your name, address, phone number, email address and most importantly how you know Blair.

Thank you again for all your support of our family thus far and for your continued support in the future, we could not do this without you.

Gina