Today a group of us gathered at "Blair's spot" (the area of Santa Monica Beach where we spread Blair's ashes) and we had a couple hours of early morning swim/boogie board/surf.
It was great to be together and enjoy the cold but beautiful morning surf. Blair would have loved this outing. It was our good friend Ben who remembered we had made a commitment to do this each month and I thank him so much for that. For the few of us who arrived I believe it was a truly great experience, although far too short. I really wish we could have stayed together and hung a little longer.
Later we spent a day of soccer at JAMS. Although a day of soccer for many may be considered laborious, for me I find it hard to draw myself away. Somehow seeing all these young women, playing their hearts out, running, laughing, competing is thrilling to me and so freeing.
I miss Blair at all these events. It brings back all the memories we have spent along the side of a soccer field watching our daughter with such pride, but these memories are both painful and they make me smile at the same time. Any chance I have to feel Blair or remember Blair is so precious to me now.
Also it is such a community this AYSO dysfunctional family. With all its quirks and tensions somehow I feel so at home here. I feel embraced and loved and truly supported by so many.
There is no doubt I am alone now. Not without those that love me, don't get me wrong, but alone: without Blair, and that is huge. He was the one I came home to, complained to, bragged to and now he is not here. It is quite hard and I am almost incapable of explaining this to anyone.
If one more person asks me "how are you", a simple common question, I may just run and hide for good. I am devastated, swimming under water, unsure of who I am or where I am going, and yet I am also alive and okay, so go figure. Unexplainable I tell you, indescribable.
I am blown away by the amount of love and support that everyone has extended to our family. With all this devastation there is also so much gratitude for the love and care shown us. It is hard at times for my heart to hold both at once. Both the intense sadness and the gratitude could break my heart on their own but together it can at times feel hard to bear.
I will say that as a family I believe we are doing well. We are able to move forward in life. We talk about Blair every day. Sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh, but every day we miss him and honor him.
I am blown away by my kids. They are handling their grief each in their own way, and I honor and respect that. Children do not always express grief as we expect but they do have grief and I have learned recently that it is my job to make sure that they are allowed to express their grief as they see fit, not as others expect them to express it. Thank you MaryAsha for those words of wisdom.
Blair and I used to squabble a lot. Anyone who was around us can attest to this. At first I felt such sadness regarding this. I wished I had held him and respected him and was kind to him every minute. But I have come to understand that that is not humanely possible. We are human, we squabble, we bicker, we are mean to each other and we also love, and laugh and support each other. It is the combination, the commitment to each other that constitutes the bond. Blair and I had a "real" relationship. one with tension and sorrow and pain as well as happiness and I cherish all those memories and feel lucky we continued in our relationship together.
Enough babble for the night. It was a long day with many thoughts of Blair and I am so happy for that. he was a dynamic, messed up creature and I miss him terribly.
Recent Comments