This is how I envisioned the day going:
We would sleep in, luxuriating in the warm blankets.
I would drink my deliciously brewed coffee and we would talk and laugh and be together.
When it was time to get up I would jump on my exercise bike and sweat really hard, allowing me to eat at dinner-guilt free.
A warm shower and then a day of music, fire in the fireplace and the cooking of our delicious food contributions for the evening meal (butternut squash and leek soup, rosemary cornbread and a pear and berry crumble with vanilla ice cream).
I could almost smell it as I fantasized about it.
Next a relaxing sunset walk on the beach, to visit Blair and send him our love
And finally a fantastic meal with our family.
The perfect Thanksgiving!
This is how the day actually went:
I woke up with a raging pain in my left ear. I had had a nagging ache for at least a week, but had ignored it. Yeah, I know. My mistake.
I downed some Motrin, snapped at my kids in my impatience and headed to the urgent care center. Only to find that clearly they do not believe in urgent care on Thanksgiving. Both offices were closed. My only option was the ER and I certainly was not going to do that, so I headed back home determined to overcome this and get the day back on track.
Back at the house I jumped on my exercise bike and put in my 1 hr of exercise, which I will admit did help a little.
Next I set to work cleaning the house and preparing the food. The distraction helped to alleviate the ear pain somewhat.
Annabel made a fire in the fireplace and Cole began to draw and I really felt a sense of accomplishment. With a little mind over matter we had gotten back on track. Yay!
Unplanned we ended up going to see a house my mother in law (Kathy) was looking to buy. This was nice.
By the time we got back to the house there was no time for our beach walk, unless I gave up on cooking, so the beach visit was cancelled. Very disappointing, especially since my own grief was really bubbling up. I so needed to see the beach and talk to Blair, but I so needed to cook so…..
Cooking not done at the time we expected, the kids and Kathy headed over to the Renshaw-Varner house and I stayed behind for the last touches, promising I would be there very soon.
I showered and shoved myself into the only thing I could find to wear in my piles of laundry laying throughout the house. Slapped some meager make up on, attempted to blow dry my hair and made sure not to look in a mirror while grabbing all the food and heading out the door.
Now I should have known better. I had been holding it together all day and a little voice inside kept telling me “its okay if you can’t handle this, you can stay home, everyone will understand”. But I didn’t listen to the voice.
As I entered the house to so many faces I could feel my insides start to churn. Within minutes I was crying and needing to get out the door and FAST!
I ran up the street and layed on the cold sidewalk, watching the stars and trying to stop the sobs leaping from my body.
It felt good. It felt really good to just let it all go. Whatever “it” was. Because honestly I cannot really tell you why or what I was feeling.
I know this is a day we give “thanks” and I really do have so much to feel “thankful” for but somehow this idea of giving “thanks” was debilitating me.
So there I lay on the sidewalk. Dreading returning to the party. Not only was I still unstable, I now felt the additional guilt of having brought all this negative crap to everyone else, and that felt terrible.
In any case I did brave it and things were resolved and I was able to actually find enjoyment in the evening despite the aching ear, the selfish emotional tantrum I couldn’t hold back and my aching sense of sadness.
When I arrived home I realized I had received a text from a friend and a voicemail from another. Both of which made me smile.
Although the day was not as I expected, I am thankful for the one thing that remains the same for me: The love I have for my family and friends.
I love you Blair, Annabel, Cole, Jeannine, Alan, John, Molly, Kathy, Jean, Gina, Matt, Mackenzie, Riley, Violet , Emma and Abigail.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
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