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Blair's Birthday 2012

Dear Blair,

Today is your birthday and you are 52. We went to the beach after school and played in the water, danced on the sand and wrote messages to you.

Alan and Molly were there and they brought beautiful baby Shepard Blair.

I feel silly writing to you, because somehow I still feel you see everything and were with us there also.  

But just in case I'm wrong I am trying any way possible to communicate to you how much we love you.

How much we miss you.

And how much I realize now and every day how very important you were/are to me and to who I was/ am becoming.

I so often want to celebrate you BIG.  To shout to the skies who you were, so noone will ever forget.

But this year somehow felt more quiet.

It felt right to just be with you and Cole and Annabel.

Here's to your kindness, your smile, the sense of safety we had whenever we were with you and most importantly your great sense of humor.

You deserve to be spoiled for at least a day.  I hope you will get that wherever you are.

Happy Birthday Baby.

You are everything to me. I never go a day without thinking of you. Yearning for you.

With love,

Your wife Gina

 

 

How much can I take?

Lately I have been feeling very pathetic and super powerful at the same time.

Ever since Blair has died I have been hit with so many challenges.

And so often I have asked why?

My answer to myself changes according to my mood and how hard a challenge I am thrown.

What I have discovered is that no matter what is thrown at me I seem to overcome.  

I seem to perservere.

And this is what I must hold on to.  Because somehow I suspect that they are tests and somehow I am meant to walk away from all of this feeling stronger and more powerful.

But then I also hold on to this thought because the alternative is just unbearable.

Maybe life is just arbitrary.  Maybe no matter how hard you think through your actions and choices.  No matter how hard you attempt to do the "Right" thing.

Shit still happens.

Well either way.

I am tired.

I need some rest.

I truly feel I deserve some rest.

Some love.

Some contentment.

I am patient.

We will see.

 

Happy New Year-by Gina

What an incredible day spent hiking with those we love.  The day was stunning and I felt Blair with us the entire time.

Happy New Year! 

May this year please bring joy and excitement for all of us.

Merry Christmas/Creeps Beware- by Gina

If there was ever any question, I no longer have any doubt!

When someone screws with my kids then they better watch out!

Christmas shopping at the lovely Santa Monica Promenade.

A place I feel very little love for.

A place where many of my daughters friends go to hang out, but thank god she has never asked me to do that.

Because as much as I want her to test her freedom and independence, it is not at the promenade!

In any case I digress.

Christmas shopping.

Annabel has to go to the bathroom.

I let her and Cole go to Starbucks as I pop in to Anthropologie for a quick look.

When I arrive at Starbucks they are still in the bathroom.

When they emerge they tell me of this guy who approached them while they were waiting.

They tell me how he creeped them out and asked lot's of questions about their age and how "she must be older" etc etc.

When I ask if they think the guy is still there, Cole sees him on a bench across the promenade.

Now. I KNOW, I should have called the police.

I KNOW, I should NOT have approached him, but...

The Mama Lion could not be contained.

I walked over and calmly stated (just in case he was just a clueless nice guy):

"I wanted you to know that you made my children really uncomfortable when you approached them.  It is not a good idea to approach kids, especially young girls and speak with them."

Well his inner beast was unleashed and it became very clear he was not a "misguided nice guy".

He started spewing crap at me.  "you are just jealous of me because I am smarter." "You seem angry. You need to take your Midol". "I have daughters of my own and I talk to them all the time."

I retort: "Yes I am angry, because when someone approaches my daughter who shouldn't I feel angry. And you need to know that I am watching you. People are watching you, so do not approach anyone else. I will call the police."

"You do that. You call the police", he screamed.

With this I retreated and did just that.

As I was on the phone giving his description he saw what I was doing and packed up and started to leave.

The police arrived to take our report. My kids got to tell their story and know how important it is to speak up.

I do not know if this man will be found or talked to, but I know my kids will speak up clearly next time. They now know that even though it can be embarrassing, standing up and feeling safe is far more important.

Next time someone approaches them they will know it is okay to say loudly "I don't know you and you are making me uncomfortable-MOVE AWAY!"

And if that person doesn't listen, then watch out, because Mama Lion is waiting in the wings and I will kick their ass!

So to all the kids out there.  Do not be afraid.  If you get a creepy feeling, trust it and do not be afraid to speak up.

 

Broke!-by Gina

I mentioned to a friend that I was so broke.  

Little did I know that Cole was in ear shot and as soon as I said it he said:

"But Mom you work like three jobs, how can you be broke?

Amen I thought.  Amen!

 

 

Grateful?-by Gina

My son's elementary principal recently recommended starting a "Grateful" journal.

A place where you write down daily what you are grateful for.

I also read that there is now evidence that those who approach life with a "grateful" attitude live longer.

It didn't take much to convince me that I want to do this.  

I need to do this.

So here goes:

I am grateful to be alive

I am grateful for my children Annabel and Cole

I am grateful for my family-Alan, Molly, Jeannine, John, Mackenzie, Riley, Violet, Kathy, Jean, Gina, Matt, Emma, Abigail.

I am grateful for my wonderful friends-too numerous to name but you know who you are.

I am grateful for my job-I love to go to work, I love the kids I work with and the families that trust me with their kids.

I am grateful to Diane for all your support

I am grateful for all the teachers that touch my childrens lives every day

I am grateful for the schools my kids go to

I am grateful I own a home

I am grateful for my ability to keep this house and pay my bills-even if it is really tight.

I am grateful for soccer and dance-beacuse my children love them so much

I am grateful for the love and strength that Blair had for me and continues to give me

I am grateful for both the joys and the sorrows I have experienced because they are what make me today

I am grateful for friends who continue to remember Blair and are not shy to say it-Thank you Janel and Randy for his memory at your daughters beautiful Bat Mitzvah

I will continue to add to this.  

With love and appreciation 

Gina

 

Thank you Terry-by Gina

Thank you Terry.

For all your comments.

It means so much to know that someone is out there.

Listening.

Responding.

A friend recently told me that she reads the blog and has begun to comment, but alwys stops because she feels she may say the wrong thing.

Please know there is no wrong thing.

It means so much to me to know that someone is out there.

That you are listening.

So if anyone is out there, please don't hesitate.

Let me know your thoughts.

 

Francesco-by Gina

I apologize that I could not figure out how to turn this picture upright.

But for those willing to crane to see the picture I want to talk about this man Francesco.

He is a good friend of Cole's uncle Alan.

Alan has been having Cole work with Francesco to improve his soccer skills.

Cole loves Francesco.

This weekend was Cole's soccer playoffs.

Francesco arrived to watch Cole's game.  He makes an effort to attend each game, and it means so much to Cole.

This week he arrived in a suit.  

I assumed he was dressed up for work after the match, however he clarified that he was dressed this way because it was Cole's playoff.  The respect that this conveyed and the formality of it touched me.

Cole's team lost his game but after the match Francesco pulled Cole aside and spoke with him about the game.  At the end of the conversation he gave Cole a gift.

The soccer ball in the picture above.

It was a ball he had picked just for Cole after he heard Cole mention that he really wanted a ball to match his soccer cleats.

Cole loves this ball. And it does indeed match his soccer cleats.

He played with it for the rest of the day, smiling all the time.

It did not matter that he had lost his game.

He knew that sometmes you win and sometimes you lose.

But on this day Cole felt really special and very supported.  

Thank you Francesco.  

For being in Cole's life.

For being who you are.

Your thoughtfulness.

Cole carried your pride in him.

The next day Cole and his team won their second game and they will continue in the playoffs next week.

And somehow I know you will be there.

Thank you.

 

help- by Gina

It is very hard to ask for help.

In fact it is impossible.

So please do not ask a widow how you can help.

Just help.

Send a cleaning woman her way (thank you Jeannine).

Bring her bottled water on a weekly basis (thank you Matt)

Spend special time with her kids (thank you Alan)

Take her family out to a meal now and again (thank you Duffy and Sarah)

Offer to take her kids Christmas shopping for their mom.  

Because even though she insists that a homemade gift is all she needs, the kids might want to do something else.

Send her massage certificates.

Send her mani/pedi certificates.

Pass along your shoes.

Drop off some groceries or a home cooked meal.

Because even though it is two years later, money and time are even more stressful and comfort is still needed.

Offer to come do work around her falling apart house and yard (electrical, gardening etc)

Give her lots of hugs. (thank you to all my friends for this)

Because no matter how much she may want to ask for help, she won't.

 

 

Give Thanks?- by Gina

This is how I envisioned the day going:

We would sleep in, luxuriating in the warm blankets.

I would drink my deliciously brewed coffee and we would talk and laugh and be together.

When it was time to get up I would jump on my exercise bike and sweat really hard, allowing me to eat at dinner-guilt free.

A warm shower and then a day of music, fire in the fireplace and the cooking of our delicious food contributions for the evening meal (butternut squash and leek soup, rosemary cornbread and a pear and berry crumble with vanilla ice cream).

I could almost smell it as I fantasized about it.

Next a relaxing sunset walk on the beach, to visit Blair and send him our love

And finally a fantastic meal with our family.

The perfect Thanksgiving!

 

This is how the day actually went:

I woke up with a raging pain in my left ear.  I had had a nagging ache for at least a week, but had ignored it.  Yeah, I know.  My mistake.

I downed some Motrin, snapped at my kids in my impatience and headed to the urgent care center. Only to find that clearly they do not believe in urgent care on Thanksgiving.  Both offices were closed.  My only option was the ER and I certainly was not going to do that, so I headed back home determined to overcome this and get the day back on track.

Back at the house I jumped on my exercise bike and put in my 1 hr of exercise, which I will admit did help a little.

Next I set to work cleaning the house and preparing the food. The distraction helped to alleviate the ear pain somewhat.

Annabel made a fire in the fireplace and Cole began to draw and I really felt a sense of accomplishment.  With a little mind over matter we had gotten back on track. Yay!

Unplanned we ended up going to see a house my mother in law (Kathy) was looking to buy.  This was nice.

By the time we got back to the house there was no time for our beach walk, unless I gave up on cooking, so the beach visit was cancelled.  Very disappointing, especially since my own grief was really bubbling up. I so needed to see the beach and talk to Blair, but I so needed to cook so…..

Cooking not done at the time we expected, the kids and Kathy headed over to the Renshaw-Varner house and I stayed behind for the last touches, promising I would be there very soon.

I showered and shoved myself into the only thing I could find to wear in my piles of laundry laying throughout the house.  Slapped some meager make up on, attempted to blow dry my hair and made sure not to look in a mirror while grabbing all the food and heading out the door.

Now I should have known better.  I had been holding it together all day and a little voice inside kept telling me “its okay if you can’t handle this, you can stay home, everyone will understand”.  But I didn’t listen to the voice.

As I entered the house to so many faces I could feel my insides start to churn.  Within minutes I was crying and needing to get out the door and FAST!

I ran up the street and layed on the cold sidewalk, watching the stars and trying to stop the sobs leaping from my body.

It felt good.  It felt really good to just let it all go.  Whatever “it” was.  Because honestly I cannot really tell you why or what I was feeling. 

I know this is a day we give “thanks” and I really do have so much to feel “thankful” for but somehow this idea of giving “thanks” was debilitating me.

So there I lay on the sidewalk.  Dreading returning to the party.  Not only was I still unstable, I now felt the additional guilt of having brought all this negative crap to everyone else, and that felt terrible.

In any case I did brave it and things were resolved and I was able to actually find enjoyment in the evening despite the aching ear, the selfish emotional tantrum I couldn’t hold back and my aching sense of sadness.

When I arrived home I realized I had received a text from a friend and a voicemail from another.  Both of which made me smile.

Although the day was not as I expected, I am thankful for the one thing that remains the same for me: The love I have for my family and friends.

I love you Blair, Annabel, Cole, Jeannine, Alan, John, Molly, Kathy, Jean, Gina, Matt, Mackenzie, Riley, Violet , Emma and Abigail.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The Non-Essentials-by Gina

Here is my list of non-essential things one misses when their husband dies and they had no life insurance.

(Just to clarify- Of course the thing I miss most is Blair and all that entails, but this list is simply NON-ESSENTIAL things, things people can live without but also make life just a little more bearable when you have them.)

1. Manicure/Pedicure. I really miss looking down at my feet and smiling because my toes look so pretty.

2. A clean house. I used to think my house was a mess when I had a cleaning lady every other week.  But now that I can no longer afford her I am coming face to face with what "a dirty house" really means.

3. New shoes.  I really need some, but I am very picky and so time is needed to find them, not to mention the money to pay for them.

4. Time to see my chiropractor. Between my new full time work and my limosine chauffering the kids to their many commitments, it has been impossible to make an appointment.  And my body is aching.  Those little preschoolers all day are really challenging my physical being.

5. Time to read a book. Not that I have any one book in mind, maybe I just miss the chance to lay down for a few minutes without my mind rambling off the list of TO DO's that never seem to disappear.

6. A night out to see a movie without my kids.  A little adult time.

7. A moment to lay on my bed and write down in this blog all the things that I need to say but can't find the time to jot down.

8. A chance to travel.  I miss this very much, however I also think it is still difficult to do without missing Blair so much.  So maybe this one is not sooo pressing. We do head out to Las Vegas next week for a dance competition/convention for Annabel, but Vegas was not really the destination I was dreaming about.  We were thinking more along the lines of a Greek island or Italy.

Actually as I am making this list I realize even though I miss these things very much, they are probably just the tip of the iceberg.  As my daughter says "Mom it always comes back to Dad" and she is right.  These non-essentials are really nothing compared to the aching I have when I think of our life with Blair and now our life without.

Yes we are okay, but the financial strain is tough and the house without him in it just isn't really the same.

So there you have it.

 

 

 

Our Weekend

So the Blair Renshaw 5 A Side Memorial Tournament was a great success.  Cole's team won two games solidly then lost their final game 3-2.  A very good showing.  Annabel's team actually won 2nd place.  A great success and a great way for her to play out her final year of this tournament.  I am sure Blair was cheering both his children on throughout the day.  

We had family and friends and great weather and so much fun!

 

 

 

 

 

BLAIR RENSHAW MEMORIAL 5-A-SIDE TOURNAMENT

Many of you already know that when Blair died our local AYSO 20 named a yearly tournament after Blair to honor him.  He was very active with AYSO and many of our dear friends are also deeply involved. At the time it nearly floored me when I saw what they had done, and still today, two years later, I am deeply touched by this act.  When I went to the site to see where I might volunteer for the event I saw what I have posted below.

BLAIR RENSHAW MEMORIAL 5-A-SIDE TOURNAMENT

Picnic in the Park includes an exciting 5-A-Side Tournament for U10, U12, & U14 teams.  This is great opportunity for players to get a sense of playing in a tournament.  All teams are encouraged to participate with as large a roster as there is interest.  Teams must apply to participate.  This is an all day event. The tournament begins at 9am.  Food & Activity Booths open at 12 noon.  Set-up starts even earlier! Save the date!  The whole date!

I had not expected to see this, in fact I had even thought that maybe over time the name of the tournament would have changed.  But to see this great picture made me smile and really started my day off right.  

It is amazing to me how much this man meant to so many.  

How the simple act of naming this tournament after him has meant so much to our family.  Cole cannot wait to go compete in the tournament that is named after his Dad.

He was a wonderful man, truly unique and I will be at the tournament laughing, cheering all the kids playing and remembering.

The tournament takes place at Clover Park on Sunday October 9th.

Thank you AYSO 20 for your love of Blair!

 

A List- by Gina

So based on many changes recently in my life I have not been able to sit and write lately.  In fact this is a topic of discussion in my grief group-since it has been determined that my sanity directly correlates with my ability to write.

All day long I think of things I want to write about, but somehow many thoughts or ideas never get communicated.  It is only those that persevere or enter my dreams that end up on the blog.

So lately all I can think of are lists of the pros and cons. The lists of what is going right and what is going wrong.  So here goes.  Maybe if I write them down here I will exercise them for good.

Cons: 

1) The State decide to simply withdraw $5000 from my checking account, claiming overpayment of Blair's disability 2 years ago! So now I am $5000 short with no recourse. That sucks.

2) My dog is suffering from a second hemorage in her ears costing $400 to repair. Again this sucks.

3) I will miss my sons soccer game tomorrow.  This is not a tragedy however in the past as a stay at home mother I was able to be at every one of his games, so this is a new reality for both he and I.

4) My bamboo is proving to be impossible to eliminate. I cut it down and my privacy is gone.  This sucks and the solution to this problem is far from simple.  It will involve lot's of money and effort!

5) My house is really filthy at this point.  Between work, kids etc I am not able to keep everything together-so the house suffers.

6) On my last visit to the doctor I have some medical issues that need to be addressed.  For those of you that lean towards panic, please know I will be okay.  I just need to make some changes and I am doing this as we speak.

 

Pros:

1) I am making a living.  Even though it is not ultimately enough, it is a start and I am grateful and proud that I am where I am.

2) I am exercising and making better choices in eating and feeling stronger every day.

3) My children are visibly happy and continuing to persevere even though they have had to handle more than any 9 or 13 yr old should ever need to handle.

4) I have an incredible group of friends surrounding me, suppprting me. And an amazing grief group who keeps me on track.

5) I had a man that taught me how to love and showed me that it is important to reach out to others.

6) I have Diane Collins in my life.  She inspires me and I enjoy working creatively with her SOOO much.

7) I have a phenomenal friend named Kathleen, who has known me since Junior high and she loves me, supports me and will always be there for me and my family.

8) An incredible brother in law Alan who seems to always be available when I need him to pick up parenting duties when I am unable to be there.  

9) All the kids I work with at my preschool as well as my theater classes.  They make me happy.  They inspire me.

Not sure what else to say here.  Just felt the need to write the lists.

Oh, yeah and as far as the filthy house goes-I used to complain that I cleaned every day and yet the house never seemed to get clean.At least now I am never home, so I never clean and still the house never gets clean.  I think this qualifies as a Pro!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Years!

Today marks two years since we lost our fantastic Blair.  Today we met at one of his favorite places, the beach.  We took photos, we swam, we laughed, we ate, we loved, we remembered.

Thank you to all that were there and to all those who were not, but that I know love and think of Blair daily.

He was a truly kind man, that even in his death brings us together to remember the most important thing in life: friends and family.

We love you all and feel so fortunate to have you all in our lives.

We love and miss you Blair.  I know you were watching over us today!